I have been having a hard time with some stuff recently, mostly being caught off guard by random things and then spinning into a a cycle of bad thoughts and bad memories. I talked to a good friend of mine, Josh, and he had some good words for me.
Basically, I see, hear, or smell something that comes out of nowhere and puts me in a tailspin. To try and beat this, I have spent the past few months building a shell around myself. The theory being that if I protect myself from everything outside me, and don't let anything or anyone come inside, nothing can hurt me. That works, to an extent, but has a very heavy price. The price of that is that I'm not really living, just existing. Turning myself into a fort is a short term solution with some long term costs I have begun to realize, and decided I can't accept.
What Josh reminded me of is that this world was built of love. His words to me were when I start spinning, rather than throwing up my walls, which does nothing but trap me with my thoughts and demons, to give thanks and blessing to God, for the love He has for me, and to ask His blessing on the reasons for the spin.
It's a long process of tearing down and opening up, but it's nothing I can't do with His help. His love surrounds me and heals me. This seemingly elementary thing is something I had let myself bury and deny.
It's been a long day, and this is what I'm left reflecting on tonight.
lane
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Just another day in the life...and how I feel about it
3 comments:
The Lord delights in you!!!
:)
Password verification says: truness, which isn't a word until you pronounce it, and i think it's appropriate b/c the Lord is working on molding you into who you truly are in Him.
Dear Lane,
The down side to you getting rid of your shell is that no longer will you melt in my mouth but not in my hand. Though, having you be putty in my fingers could be fun as well.
On an encouraging note, Jesus was probably closer to your size than mine, because people back in the day were not that big, especially Zacheus (sp?).
Mainly, I'm glad that you realize that God's love is the only one worth dwelling on and he'll throw something in front of you when it's time (fingers crossed that it'll be a girl).
kittens,
Andy
Oh yes, also I would be more than happy to aid in any tearing down phases. You just can't get within 2.5 ft of me when your rassling moves come into play.
Also, I think you shine from the inside a little better without the whole shell thing. I have this image of a magical egg containing the sun and all of a sudden it starts cracking (hatching) and rays of light burst through and then the song, "Whooaaoohhohh, Heaven let your light shine down."
that is all.
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